Zany Tales
by pixelherodev
Summary: Various short ideas.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I'm a software engineer, not a writer. _I don't own Harry Potter._

The Most Important Spell

 **First year**

 _ **After encountering Voldemort in the Forbidden Forest**_

Harry couldn't sit down. He paced up and down in front of the fire. He was still shaking. "Snape wants the stone for Voldemort... and Voldemort's waiting in the forest... and all this time we thought Snape just wanted to get rich..."

 _A few minutes of anxious pacing and disturbing Ron later…_

When Harry pulled back his sheets, he found his invisibility cloak folded neatly underneath them. There was a note pinned to it:

 _Just in case._

 _No!_ Harry thought angrily, _there's got to be a way I can protect myself! Maybe I should ask a Professor – Snape would probably be best if not for the whole "Potter spawn" thing, McGonagall clearly doesn't take first years seriously, Quirrel is incompetent, what about Flitwick?_

Suddenly, a memory struck him, and he grinned.

 _ **Charms class, earlier that year…**_

"Now, don't forget that nice wrist movement we've been practicing!" squeaked Professor Flitwick, perched on top of his pile of books as usual. "Swish and flick, remember, swish and flick. And saying the magic words properly is very important, too - never forget Wizard Baruffio, who said 'f' instead of 's' and found himself on the floor with a buffalo on his chest.

Harry, dutiful student that he was, had promptly forgot about it. Now, however… _buffalo summoning sounds like it could be useful,_ he smirked.

 _ **After defeating Quirrelmort…**_

 _Too bad I never had a chance to try summoning a buffalo_ , Harry thought to himself. He'd have to remember to try the next time he was attacked.

 **Second year**

 _ **Dueling club...**_

Harry raised his hand. "Professor Lockhart?"

"Yes, Harry?"

"Can we use any first year spell?"

Lockhart thought over it. _It'll help me get close to him, so he'll trust me more later, and there aren't really any harmful first year spells…_ "I don't see why not," he smiled agreeably, either not noticing or ignoring Snape's eye roll.

"Three — two — one — go!" Lockhart shouted.

Malfoy raised his wand quickly and bellowed, "Serpensortia!"

The end of his wand exploded. Harry watched, aghast, as a long black snake shot out of it, fell heavily onto the floor between them, and raised itself, ready to strike. There were screams as the crowd backed

swiftly away, clearing the floor.

…for approximately three seconds before remembering his prior resolution. Snape opened his mouth to say something, but before he had the chance, Harry swished, and he flicked, and shouted, "Wingardium Leviofa!"

To the shock and utter disbelief of nearly everyone else nearby, a buffalo appeared and crushed the snake. Remembering the spell Snape had used, Harry then casually waved his wand with a "Finite incantatem," banishing the buffalo. After Snape _finite_ d the snake, the club proceeded onwards – after all, as Lockhart eagerly pointed out, deliberate misuse of a first year spell for self-defense was in _no_ way a violation of the rules – something Snape was quick to fix. Fortunately for Harry, with Lockhart and most of the student body defending him, he did not get in any trouble.

 _ **That night in the dorm…**_

Harry was having trouble sleeping. There was _something_ he was forgetting, something important, but he couldn't remember what. Suddenly, he gasped. _The snake!_ He was referring not to the snake which had been summoned by one Draco Malfoy, but rather, to the one he had accidentally set on his cousin, Dudley.

He wondered if there was some way he could ask the snake how it was doing – after all, the existence of a Sneakernet in no way indicated the existence of a Snakernet.

 _ **Later, during the second dueling club meeting…**_

" _Serpensortia!_ " Harry shouted, using Malfoy's own attack against him (He had previously gained permission from Lockhart to do so, as long as he was careful, and Snape didn't bother showing up for the second meeting).

Harry had been thinking about the snake he had rescued from the zoo, and much to his surprise, it was that snake which he summoned!

" _Hello, amigo,"_ it hissed at him.

" _Hi!"_ he hissed back, " _would you mind scaring that blonde twit over there for me a bit?"_

The snake hissed a laugh and nodded, before slithering towards Malfoy.

"Parseltongue!" Malfoy shouted, terror clear in his voice (he'd been raised on tales of Voldemort, including how Voldemort would torture his own followers).

Harry smirked, deciding Malfoy was scared enough, even if he was confused by the gibberish Malfoy was spouting. " _Mind if I summon you later to talk?"_ Harry asked the snake.

At the snake's nod, Harry banished it.

"You're a Parselmouth!" one of the students shouted.

"A what?" Harry asked, confused.

"You can talk to snakes!" someone else yelled.

"Well, yeah," Harry agreed, "can't everyone?"

 _ **One confusing explanation later…**_

 _Huh. I guess not._

Lucky for him, his getting rid of the snake the first time, his clear ignorance on the topic, and the fact that he was very obviously not attacking anyone with the snake meant no one accused him of anything – and since he only targeted Malfoy, large parts of the student body sided with him.

 **Third year**

Without his wand, Harry was unable to summon a buffalo to attack Black – which he later decided was probably a good thing (though Sirius had a good laugh when he learned about Harry's deliberate butchering of the Levitation Charm).

 **Fourth year**

 _ **First task…**_

Summoning a buffalo to sate a dragon's hunger before asking it kindly in Parseltongue for the golden egg worked – though admittedly that was more because of his honest adoration at seeing "Oh my god! A real live dragon!" Harry exclaimed, "What a beauty!"

 _ **Second task…**_

"Oh well, I guess hoping they'd let the same strategy work was a bit stupid."

Fortunately, he had a better idea. First, he mugged Cedric, and stole Cedric's wand.

"Hey!" he yelled at the merfolk guarding the hostages. He held up Cedric's wand. "I'll give you this wand – you can learn Wizard's secrets – if you let the hostages go!" (He had planned on using Viktor's at first, but realized Hermione might not appreciate him doing that to her boyfriend.)

He was only mildly surprised when they agreed. And if no one ever found out what happened to Cedric's wand? Well, it wasn't like anyone asked him, now was it?

 _ **The graveyard…**_

"Wingardium Leviofa!" Harry immediately shouted after finding himself in a creepy graveyard. "Wingardium Leviofa, Wingardium Leviofa, Wingardium Leviofa!"

The buffaloes easily subdued Wormtail and Voldemort, and Harry and Cedric brought them both with them when they returned to Hogwarts.

Sirius was exonerated, Fudge was lauded as the champion of the downtrodden, Voldemort was handed over to the Department of Mysteries and never heard from again, and the tale of the heroic Buffalo Mage was told for millennia.

 **A/N:** I have taken some… artistic licenses with the original text (mostly just the scene from first year – changed it to make it refer to the levitation spell – that was _not a typo!_ Also shifted the timeline up a bit so that the Internet – and subsequently, the Sneakernet (a term used for transferring large amounts of data by physically moving a large hard drive/group of hard drives) exist.

Additionally, because of the success of the first Dueling Club, it ended up continuing for more than just one session.

One last comment: the fact that "since he only targeted Malfoy, large parts of the student body sided with him" is a valid sentence in HP fanfics just shows how screwed up canon is. Hogwarts is a frigging school not a war ground. Seriously, if I do another of these, it'll probably be Dumbledore, (a somewhat smarter) Minister Fudge, and (a more rational) Lucius Malfoy drinking together and mourning their society's seemingly inevitable downfall.


	2. To Be More Chapter 1

This is very short (spent maybe 20 minutes on it), but it makes for a decent _idea_ (I think).

* * *

 **To Be More**

 **Crawling In My Skin 1.1**

"Pre-cog and post-cog on the level of the Simurgh sounds _amazing_ ," I mused. "So many options, so many improvements..."

I shrugged, thinking out loud, "Meh, fun food for thought, but I have better fic ideas anyways." _Well, maybe not_ all _of them_ , I admitted internally. "SI as the Simurgh would be just stupid. Well, and stupidly OP, but that's not the point. I should probably work on one of my more important projects."

* * *

It was December 19th, 2009 when I first awoke in Earth Bet. It didn't take me long to realize what had happened, largely due to the discovery that I had wings, precog, and postcog, and was unable to see the present.

"Ah, fuck," I said out loud, before my pre-cog revealed why that had been a horrible idea. _Whelp, this can't end well._

 _Oops_ I thought to myself. _This is going to take some getting used to._ Suddenly waking up missing a sense and with _three new ones_ was somewhat disorienting, though I adjusted quickly - which was even more strange.

 _Wait - this is totally an SI, isn't it. The last thing I can remember is considering doing this exact idea. Well, if I'm going to do this, I'm not going to be boring about it. What to do, what to do..._

I wasn't sure _why_ my new senses were all intuitive and I immediately knew how to completely use them, but I wasn't about to complain.

I quickly considered various actions (none of which involved killing my least favorite characters), when I suddenly felt the urge to [Move]. I immediately checked my precog, and then froze in terror - or at least, I _tried_ to.

 _I was still subject to Eidolon's orders._

 _This is **not** good..._

A thought occurred. _Why didn't I precog this?_ As soon as I'd first started moving, the futures had completely _shifted_.

 _I'm still subject to Eidolon's orders and I can't precog h - oh right_.

For a moment I'd forgotten that Eidolon was precog-proof.

 _So I'm stuck in Worm as an Endbringer who still needs to obey Eidolon, can barely remember canon due to all the fics, and will probably immediately be detected after this fight is over?_

 _ **Fuck.**_


	3. To Be More Chapter 2

**To Be More**

 **Confusing, _WHAT IS REAL?! _1.2**

 _What do I do?!_ I panicked internally, my artificial face projecting false emotions.

I wasn't sure how, but just as I was somehow able to use the Si – well, _my_ powers now – to their fullest, I _knew_ with a complete certainty that my target was Madison, Wisconsin.

 _Shit shit shit. Okay, maybe I can out Eidolon? Nah, if I remember correctly the dude was just a dick, he's not_ trying _to do this, so outing him causes more problems than it solves. Assuming I'm even capable of that._

I reached New Jersey, and was moving at a steady pace. _I don't have much time,_ I realized.

 _Okay, goals: first, DO NOT create the Travelers. Second, NO causing the quarantine this time. Third, ZERO DEATHS. Fourth, try and send a message with crucial information – nothing on Scion, maybe I can just troll Cauldron? A bunch more, but also, given this is so blatantly an SI that it hurts, make this entertaining._

 _Wait. Entertaining. If this is an SI, the more entertainment I provide, the longer my life span. Probably._

I tried to smirk, but was having some trouble figuring out how to control the Simurgh's body – even now that I was no longer resisting the commands, I still had some difficulties exerting control over an _artificial body_ from _another fucking dimension_.

Which is _still_ fucking awesome.

And terrifying. And raises _so_ many questions.

 _Right, trolling time… what to do, what to do…_

A scene from a movie I'd seen a while back popped into my head, and I _finally_ figured out how to fucking smirk.

 _[ORDERS],_ boomed a voice in my head. _[OBEY]._

I felt what I imagine Thor felt when Thanos was squeezing his head in the beginning of the Finite War movie. _Ow_.

… _okay, so given this is an SI, this is totally just filler… can I just ignore it and pretend to have convinced it to move on?_

I went back to planning, and the pain only intensified.

 _Fine, loophole time_. It is very difficult to mope when your mind itself is in immense pain. Of course, it's made easier when you can just _tweak_ your pain receptors _like so_ , but given that pain is usually just a warning to _stop_ , that's probably not a good long-term solution. Hence, loopholes.

 _Well, an opponent that's seen as less than human can't possibly be a_ worthy

"FUCK!" I tried to yell, attempting to grab my head and curl into the fetal position.

 _[CONTEMPT]._

 _So why don't I just fucking fight the Dadversary one on one?! Would that be good enough?!_ I snapped through the pain, more out of spite than anything else.

The pain went away for a second.

 _[IMPOSTER][AMUSEMENT][ANTICIPATION]_

Information quickly flashed through my brain.

"Wait, you can't be fucking serious, right?!" I exclaimed. "You're just going to let me go? That easily?"

 _[SATISFACTION]_.

"… oh, shit. I'm totally screwed. I literally just woke up in the body of an eldritch abomination, was briefly forced into the normal stupid attacks, and now I'm being let go just so that I can be part of Family Feud: Space Whale Edition. This can't possibly get any worse."

* * *

 **A/N:** Two updates in four days? What sorcery _is_ this?!

I'm finding it a lot easier to do small updates like this regularly instead of trying to make fewer bigger ones.

Maybe I'll finish one of my older ideas and add it here soon as well. Hopefully this next one doesn't take a full year _hides_


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